We’re familiar with the Carole Bayer Sager version…  And while looking for that (don’t ask) came upon this gem from long-time-Wonder Woman Lynda Carter…

We could not look away. 
Enjoy!

NEEDLE RATING  2.0 (idling)

He’s a friend – we go back years - so I asked, “what… you… pluck yours?”

“Sure – don’t you?“

Well, clearly not.  I’m not ready to pluck.  I don’t see what I’d gain by removing hair there.  It’s essence of my manhood.  Or, I’m terrified they wouldn’t grow back.  So here is my list of heroes — I am proud to be among your ranks. 

4.  Billie Piper
3.  Brooke Shields
2.  Denis Healey
1.  Animal

NEEDLE RATING… 2.6 (idling)

It was good, – useful for everyone to get their experiences off their chests-, until one of the team leaders invited my reaction on a specific point.

At that point a man, another “attendee”, interrupted to snarkily berate me for not taking notes.

It took a couple of minutes to take in what had just happened – long after I’d attempted to finish my answer.
And what struck me wasn’t how appropriate or not scrawling would have been. I’d already made that judgement call.  All I could think was…

you tedious faux alpha male.

It felt good.

In my twenties, I’d snatch and deflect it and attempt to hit back – who’d he think I was – his bloody waiter? How self-involved was he that my conduct in the meeting had an impact which compelled him to announce to the room my transgression?

you tedious faux alpha male.

When you wake up in the morning – do you take a big breath in preparation for the noise you’ll make… for a grateful world to hear.  There’s no interpretation required.  We are expected to listen.
And preferably, take note.

I can’t muster the energy any more to engage with your worldview.
But find my silence routinely allows you to belittle yourself with your big big maaawff.
In this country, right now, we’re expected to celebrate your heroes -

you tedious faux alpha male

heroes – Gordon Ramsay… Surrallan Sugar… – even though they themselves are acts for fake television constructs.  But you like to make believe this is the way it is.

All hail you.

you tedious faux alpha male.

NEEDLE RATING… 5.2 (quite noisy, quite irritating)

I’m worried about her mental health.  I may have passsed something on to her.

——————————————————————————–
From: kirstie @ xxxxx.xx.uk 
Sent: 04 December 2007 15:22
To: neil @ xxxxx.xx.uk
Subject: RE: maybe you might be interested in this

Am having a ‘to do’ with Amazon now. They claim they cannot take the money from my card and that I should check it and change my card details to another one; BUT they have already taken money out for this order – three times for different products!
I am adding them to my bad customer service list:

Bad list
Amazon (their hi-tech ‘call me back’ system doesn’t work and their automated message is not adequate, and for hiding their customer service details in a random place)
PC World Tech Guys (you know the long story)
Anyone who takes over 10 weeks to make a sofa and charges you for it in advance: Sofa Workshop, DFS

Good list
Egg.com (a helpful person answered the telephone (not a machine) and in the UK, and she knew what I was talking about)
CD Baby (for sending me a lovely message – I will shop there again)
John Lewis (for not charging in advance for a sofa and for replacing broken washing machine no questions asked)
Vodafone (for not rushing my call to make their figures look good)

These are just recent interactions of course but at the moment, the good list is outweighing the bad, which is quite positive.
K xxx
—————————————-

They never last more than 12 minutes.

They’re always trying to escape.

Lest we forget.

NEEDLE RATING 3.2

I know what my heavy rotation pants are – they’re all in the wash.
So why can’t I throw out the others.
I don’t want them.  I don’t need them.
I cannot cast them aside.

They’ve been good to me.

I will terminate one of them.  So that the others might live.

NEEDLE RATING…  2.9 (idling)

Well, it was 4 – 4 – a rough draw. 
Though I don’t think you can have a rough draw in a contest involving quilted toilet tissue.
Surprisingly, it was Kirstie who had stayed on top of the scores – being the all-knowing master of time space and dimension of anything to do with anything happening around the house.

She said that the normal paper – “mine” – ran out marginally first, but graciously put that down to male stand-up friend who visits regularly (the house, not a toilet term) probably choosing mine over hers.

Only noticed this morning that we’ve kept the two-toilet roll thing going. 
Even more disturbed by the fact I still know which one is mine.

NEEDLE RATING…  2.0 (idling)

Kirstie used to map out the timescale if we were to want children… 
How long it would take her body to eradicate a “sex-life-time of being on The Pill” from her womb. 
(A statistic backed up by every nodding thirty-something woman friend).
And then she would rather helpfully act out how our children would look the longer we leave it to reproduce.

It even got to the point of her complaining about a batch of The Pill which didn’t have the days of the week printed on the packets.  Like I’m keeping track.  She could have been taking Peanut Butter M&M’s for all I knew.
So anyway, she’s off now, and we’re both really happy about that.

It puts us in a new category.  We wouldn’t say we’re “trying” for a baby.  I suppose we’re not trying not to.  There’s no convenient phrase to use for this, which is frustrating – why’s everyone asking anyway?

And why isn’t there a phrase for “not not trying” for a kid?

NEEDLE RATING…  2.8 (idling)

I think it’s one of “those things” – which doesn’t piss Kirstie off yet, but together will form the ever-growing list of things that she tolerates. 

NEEDLE RATING… 2.0 (idling)

Today I did some pottering out the back, and started taking down the willow tree at the bottom of the garden. 

Kirstie is convinced that the roots will penetrate the sewer just next to it, as it is well on the way to running under the house and bringing that down too.

So here I am snipping away.  And Kirstie will see bringing it this far either as an achievement, or testament to a colossal waste of time.

She’ll either choose to see me as a virulent man who can harness nature, and can handle himself with basic forestry skills.

Or a loser with too much time… and secateurs… on his hands.

Can’t wait to also show her my “decorative bundle of willow” I’ve made for the living room.

NEEDLE RATING… 2.6 (idling)