Archive for April 2007

NHS… in-Direct…

April 23, 2007

NHS formsKirstie tried registering us with a local Doctor today.

Here are some words that came up tonight – not necessarily in the right order.

Why is it… pre-requisite… Doctors assistant…  stubborn, awkward, patronising… and don’t bloody listen.
Older woman… thing… despises younger fertile thing…  looking at me like we’re at it all the time.  3.3It’s sick, it’s bloody sick.  Why are they all the same?

NEEDLE RATING… 3.1 (increased revs, grating)

Women Love Things.

April 20, 2007

Probably one of the most important things I’ve learned about living with a woman is that Women Love Things.

Women’s Things Are Nice
While we were sharing the flat, one of the biggest unspoken issues was how we accommodated ‘the things’.


More Nice Women’s Things

Knick knacks.  Pretty objects.  Items that serve no purpose whatsoever, or items that DO serve a purpose, but not in the area in which they have been placed.  (eg. A horse shoe in the kitchen.  Or shells… anywhere).

Because the flat was mine – however welcome and ‘shared’ I tried to make Kirstie feel – essentially she always felt that living in my flat with me was all about her fitting into my place, rather than it being a shared space for both of us.

Which meant that she held back on the ‘things’.

More Nice Things… Cinnamon Sticks, Candles, Coasters…But now we’ve bought and moved into a house together, the gloves are off.
Or rather, the cinnamon sticks are on.  The ledge.  Along with the coasters, the abstract art rendered in small wooden items, and enough candles to supply a cathedral of a city experiencing a recent major tragedy.

And I think our place looks all the better for it.
Gone are the stark empty surfaces.  Or clusters of purely practical effects: like my mini mounds of remote controls.  Or arrangements such as “dental floss on a pile of receipts”.

Woman And Man Things - Not NiceThe only ‘thing’ that really doesn’t work for me are the bowls.  I don’t get the bowls.  And they have appeared pretty much on every flat surface.  The problem with them is that they are not bowls. 
They are magnets for crap…
from both of us.
Look at this one:  This is pretty much a 50-50 split between candles-napkin-rings-and-pendant-jewellery to my sunglasses-vouchers-nails-and-a-compass (Don’t ask.  But do I know that I’ll use it about as often as the amber napkin rings).

I am glad, though, that my girlfriend is now free to express herself through bits and pieces. 
All we need to work on now is “what we gonna put on the walls?”

2.9NEEDLE RATING…
2.9  (idling)

Why Kirstie Has A Bad Back.

April 18, 2007

20070416_181handbag.jpgKirstie emptied her handbag onto the bed tonight.

This is why she has a bad back.

There are bolts in there. 

Metal bolts.

2.7NEEDLE RATING… 2.7  (idling)

My Two Dags

April 3, 2007

Dags1Today I’m saying goodbye to a couple of dear old friends. 
Kirstie hates them.

They are my two pairs of jeans which I don’t think I’ve had that long. 
I’d say only two years in my head.  But I suspect in Denim years it equals about four.  They never fitted me particularly well, but they were comfortable and were always there for me.

Take a closer look and you’ll probably spot why she hates them.
(You can click on the pictures to get the full blown glory).

These are the ones I had to ditch recently.  They look alright.  But Kirstie’s problem is round the back.  And when she tried to explain why I should get a new pair she called the dangly bits “dags”.
Dags2It’s probably the best noun possible to describe these hanging bits, and really made me think about how many wet pavements and public toilet floors I’ve dragged them through.  God knows how much bacteria I’ve mopped up in those babies.

The other has a tear in one leg right up to the top of my ankle.  (Kirstie would say ‘calf’).  Which, being 35, obviously I thought was vaguely ‘in’.  But I never get to see this rear view, and didn’t realise quite how uneven they are…  In fact, I’m slightly shocked.

Dags3I’d try talking Kirstie round that this is just the style at the moment: all jeans look like this.
“Yeah.  All jeans under the arches at Waterloo.”
But look – the label – see, ‘relaxed fit’.
“Relaxed to the point where it looks like you’ve pissed yourself?”

OK, so some of the tears are placed a little more unfortunately than others.  I’ve never needed my jeans to offer any support down there.  Dags4(And I’d never again get myself in the position for this pose).  But these are my ‘good’ jeans. 
The ones I practically live in.

So, anyway, the photos swung me finally into going jeans shopping. 

Yes.  That makes me sound really independent and in control of my business.  And doesn’t begin to convey the eagerness Kirstie had in joining me.  (Can you be frogmarched by someone holding your hand two steps ahead of you?) 
So I got the new jeans.  Two pairs.
Which don’t drag on the ground.
Imagine my joy when I had to pull this label out of both of them. 

This is an Intentional Fashion Feature

Thanks, River Island.

30.JPGNEEDLE RATING…
3.1 (increased revs, grating)